[from Julian Barker, of 10/21/2002]

This two year old cutting from the Daily Telegraph concerns the person who sits next to me at work -

Civil servant wins prize for truly awful romance By TOBY HARNDEN in Washington

A Briton has landed a top prize in an international competition that celebrates "truly awful writing."

Kevin Ruston, 38, a civil servant, was declared the winner of the Romance section of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for which contestants were asked to write ghastly opening sentences to imaginary novels. The entry took him half an hour to compose. "If I was inspired by a particular person, it was the late Dame Barbara Cartland," he said. There was no monetary prize, said Ruston, simply "the pleasure of knowing you're one of the world's worst writers."

The competition was conceived in 1982 in honour of Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, a Victorian novelist. His masterpiece of bad writing was the oft-mocked and parodied opening line of his 1830 novel Paul Clifford: "It was a dark and stormy night ... " It inspired, among others, Snoopy of the Peanuts cartoon strip.

Unlike the Literary Review's Bad Sex Prize, which (dis)honours novelists who unwittingly pen "the most redundant or embarrassing description of a sexual act," entrants to the Bulwer-Lytton contest deliberately try to write as terribly as they can.

Ruston won this year's [2000???] accolade with the entry:

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"Their's was a love that transcended time, ran roughshod over moral dogmas, guffawed in the face of adversity, rent asunder the shackles of social convention and took a sledgehammer to the crumbling walls of religious doctrine: a passionate love, a tender love, a selfless love: not bad for two gerbils born on opposite sides of the glass partition."

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There were more than 5,000 contestants. The organiser, Scott Rice, an English professor at San Jose State University, California, said: "Entries come in from all over the world. Sometimes we see themes emerge. It was nuns one year, murderous spouses another. This year we thought we'd see Harry Potter imitation - but it didn't happen."

Bad writing, he added, was much harder to compose than many would think, comparing to acting drunk on roller skates, a feat which demands considerable skill and dexterity.

Ruston said, ""I was just surfing the internet idly for anything related to literature when I came across the contest. I decided to write the beginning of the world's worst romance novel and sent it off but didn't think I'd be eligible to enter, let alone be the winner."

The Daily Telegraph [London UK newspaper]

*If I make a lot of noise and get everyone else to do so, the governor will come stand in the office doorway and talk to us instead of the wardeness, who's elsewhere in the house. After several minutes of no reply he finally figures out it's just the orange cat and us in here. *Spud

*Hey, how come the lighter fur covered heating unit doesn't have any spigots? The carmel fur covered roaming snack bar we can't get to any more.... *The six pups of Spud and Tater's #2 litter, trying to find nipples under Spud to nurse yet. Almost five weeks old too...

*If I mug the waterbottle I might get the end to pop off and give me the fabled tunnel OUT of here* Larry banging the waterbottle around again and soaking down the place.

What me the human has learned:

Pups think springing is their whole goal in life, especially when there's a cat sitting at my feet.

One can never look too comfortable when sleeping. The closer to bedraggled dead fur to give the keeper a heart attack at 'half asleep quick glance' the better.

Gerbie thoughts:

There are four of us and six nipples. Let us fight anyway, squeaking up a mad storm, looking for the best one to latch onto. Three and a half weeks old we can still be brats, right?

Of course let us step on our brother's head, or sleep on TOP dad.

My comments:

Gerbil parents halfways through their second litter can sleep through anything. And not flinch.

If a waterbottle works fine, it will dump half a bottle worth into the bedding when there isn't any more or any TP left and it's 2 days to payday.

Back to gerbie thoughts:

Hey, I can get close enough to it to put a tooth on it. So..... It's meant to be chewed. I'm meant to chew it. Any questions? What part of this don't you the human understand?

Being cute is a gerbil's born right. Occasionally do something supercute so keeper forgets things like the last great escape.

The nub on the top of the waterbottle that holds the wire is the most delectable chew thing on earth. I can be stomach deep in pumpkin seeds and if the bottle gets dropped in, LEAP onto it and fasten teeth securely on that NUBBIN! The fate of the universe depends on me nipping that off, the faster the better. Let's time it in nanoseconds....

Heck with sunseeds, pumpkin seeds are where it's at. Stealing Dad's seed is always better after he's opened it...

Hey, lookatme I can THUMP! Never mind I broke up four or five slumber parties.

Deb R [about 11/20/2002, originally put on the GML forum]

You know you really have it bad for gerbils when... [off the American Gerbil Society Forum 11/01/02]

1. You think of calling That's My Baby from Animal Planet to do a show of one of your gerbils having pups. [Ashley Capps]

In our case,"You know you have it bad for gerbils when you are so obsessed about getting a companion for your one boy gerbil that NO OTHER GERBILS ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM! :-D "I know, that is completely silly... but... we still cannot decide what to do about Toy! On top of that, he has become spoiled rotten, and he covers up his food bowl completely every single day. We have to dig it out simply to refill it. He doesn't even eat all of it...which brings me to another one..."You know you have it bad for gerbils when you dig out your gerbil's food bowl FOR HIM! :-P " [Patricia A Smith]

That sounds like my mother!!!Yes- the cage is full of food, they bury it, and they panic as if they are starving to death!!! They have to be given their meals personally! They see us eating and beg! [Judith JCHBLOCK]

Whenever you get up in the middle of the night, you check all the tanks to make sure everybody is breathing. [Karen Biehl]

2. You mistakenly call your kid by one of the gerbil's names. Four times in one week.[Ashley Capp]

3. You really need antibiotics for your sinus infection, but come home with an assortment of Chubes. In every color. For each gerbil.

4. You can't sleep without the sound of gnawing...

5. You can't remember your kid's/spouse's/mother's birthday/eye/hair color, but you know the lineage of your gerbs back three generations and can rattle off the genetics & any possible gene combination from memory. In your sleep.

6. You ramble on and on about your gerbils more than your own children.

7. After losing sleep every night for a week worrying about whether or not the gerbil at the Pet Store with the huge scabs under his eyes will sell, you go to the store and take him home.

8. You finally end unsupportive friendships, after years of problems, because they criticize you for taking your gerbils to the vet.

9. You have to take all day saturday to clean all the tanks that your gerbils live in.

10. When you save the peanuts in your Cracker Jacks for your gerbils.

11. You don't move into a bigger apartment, so you can afford all the fanciest vets, food, toys, and amusements for your gerbils.

12. Your own home is a disaster area but all the gerbil tanks are clean with fresh bedding. And your gerbils eat better than you do. :)

13. When you do your grocery shopping, all of the produce is selected according to whether the gerbils -- not the children -- will eat it.

14. For your anniversary or holidays, you don't want jewelry, candy, flowers or dinner... you ask for gerbils.

15. When you save all the toliet paper rolls from resturants or pitstops or pester your neighbors, friends and family for THEIRS because your own are not enough.

16. When you save the useable non greasy card board boxes from your takeout/fastfood like french frie boxes or hamburger boxes.

17. When you see someone in a grocery store tearing down boxes and immediately fill your shopping cart w/ them w/no room for the food-esp. the beer boxes which are easy to tear.

18. When your day off or vac time is centered around a trip to pick up/sell/trade/go to a gerbil show :) [down to here for Ashley Capp, I think...]

**He he i actually do almost everything on this list JK [Patricia A Smith]

:>> 14. For your anniversary or holidays, you don't want jewelry, candy, flowers or dinner... you ask for gerbils. -Ashley Capp
> This one I'm guilty of. Hehe - Patricia A Smith

>> Heh heh. My mother said "What?? But you can't wear a GERBIL on your finger..."

You wear gerbils on your SHOULDER! Tell her that.- Deb R.

>> but she played with Monte for 15 minutes when I stopped by on my way home... Hey, nothing says "I love you" like a gerbil. -Ashley

> I know, jewelry only goes skin deep, but a gerbil's love goes all the way to the heart. Hehehe, - Lee

#15. You keep some rustly bags of stuff in the car so you can disguise you're carrying a small kritter keeper in at the same time. A few bags of craft supplies I always need for my business are GREAT camoflage for 'box o rodent', put a bag of jingle bells in the bottom of the craft stuff and a couple of scented votives to complete the coverup.

#16. You can haul a 15 gallon tank from behind the stored pickup through the front gate, into the house through the front door, through the kitchen, down the stairs, through the family room, and into the office in about 30 seconds flat, so silently that the dog doesn't woof over the gate banging and the hubby in the next room by the stairs landing going down does NOT hear you.

#17. You get a clerk at the post office to adopt a pair from you, and one of the other clerks jokingly asks if you are going to mail that...and you give them the five minute 'this is a felony and you (clerk) accept this you are up for aiding and abetting a felony...' summation.Which is news for all of them .

#18. You go to the post office just to find out if that clerk is working just so you can get an update on the pair....every day.

#19. You go sit in the office chair at your desk just so you can watch the 'gerbil channel' because with a double satellite receiver and three TiVo's and there's still nothing you'd rather watch....Deb R

Life is short, so eat the sunflower seeds first;
When in doubt, groom your housemate, whether they like it or not;
If a wheel stops squeaking, there must be something wrong with it;
Your housemate's food always tastes better than your own;
It is OK to run around thinking it is dark only to learn that you forgot to open your eyes;
Always sleep with a friend.

I have learned: [not clear the author/contributor at this time....]
By standing on top of the water bottle and constantly trying to chew a hole in the lid "I will get out, I know it, Just a few hours more!"
"Gee, should I chew up this toilet paper roll first or eat? It's a tough decision."
"If I keep digging on the side of my glass tank maybe I can get out and play with those cats, they are always looking and trying to play with me." "Why are those three kids always staring at me? I'll just stare back."
"By jumping up and down like a mexican jumping bean maybe I can get out and roam the house." [ ]

below 1/21/2003 [not clear who the author is at this time, it might all be Ashley's]
*If i just keep jumping up & hitting the screen, I'll eventually get out*
*Why does that doggy keep stairing at me? I wanna play. :)*
*Oh, it's the hand, food, yeah*

Hehe, this is a cute topic. :)

~Ashley & the Minis [Ashley Logan]

1/21/03 Here's one: Thump your foot at everything, even if it's nothing. -Deanna K